Warren’s 1984 number three

Warren’s 1984 number 3 cover dated September 1978 featured 9 and a bit stories and a letters page entitled “Telemetry”. I’ve just had to go and look that word up!

I never know if letters of comment in american comic books are genuine or made up by the editor as the names and places of the addresses always sound so implausible. R.A.Ziers? Curtis Cyeda? Barry Smith? And surely there can’t be a real address called East 32nd Street NY NY ???

In the lead story a new President discovers that the entire armed forces of the USA and USSR are actually controlled telepathically by two (intoxicated) old men. The Government assumes them to be mutants when it appears to be their home-made liquor that gives them their extraordinary mental powers!

“Whatever Happened to Idi Amin” is another odd and wordy tale by Bill Dubay (with art by Maroto). The former (despotic) leader of Uganda was close to world domination by using “ethnic missiles”. By some means not made too clear in the story (“we came up with a powder that when applied to the skin…one night old Idi went to bed..the next morning he awakened to the surprise of his lascivious young life” ????) the USA end his threat by transforming him into a female. Not just a female but a young white female! We then appear to be in some post-nuclear holocaust world where Idi is the last desirable woman on the planet. Unfortunately Idi’s brain is still male and he resists all amorous advances. Plots just don’t get any more bonkers than this one.

“In the Beginning” by DuBay and Nino is a fun time-travel tale. Travelling back to the moment life began on earth it seems that life began due to some passing alien defecating into earth’s lifeless waters!

“Bring me the head of Omar Barsidian” features “Sally Starjammers” in pursuit of a guy attempting to escape from “Orgasty the City of Passion” where life is one endless orgy.

“Doctor Jerkyll” is another “humorous” story by Nebot. The twist in this Jekyl/Hyde is that the good doctor’s potion transforms him into a woman. After much partying etc the doctor finally returns to his original male form albeit a very pregnant male form!

“Scourge of all Disneyspace” features a pirate spaceship that looks just like a C17th pirate galleon with a female crew that has escaped from the “insemination centre of the Galaxy”. Their booty…one of the few men who hadn’t suffered impotence/castration in “the great Corporate sterilization wars.” There definitely seems to be a theme going on in these magazines…

Commfu (which is evidently a Snafu only worse) was written by Alabaster Redzone and drawn by Abel Laxamana. Its the only story in the magazine that takes place in an almost recognisable here-and-now. The Government has lost one of their brainwashed assassins. The visuals show the assassin preparing for and then completing his mission. He carries out his mission efficiently…only his targets are the wrong (ie innocent) people. Juxtaposed with the artwork is a running commentary of captions describing a military hearing evidentally debating the aftermath of these events. Paralells could be made between this story and real events of the last few years.   

I’ll pass on the final story “The Harvest” written by Bill Dubay as it doesn’t have any redeeming features whatsoever. A far better use for those 8 pages would have been some (any!) Captain Company adverts.

The inside back cover contains the shortest story ever to appear in a comic since “Cap’s Hobby Hints”. It’s certainly the only one page story I’ve ever seen with a credit for two writers!!

I’ll give this book 6 out of 10 mainly for the artwork. The cover by Patrick Woodroffe was quite impressive too.